nothing to look forward..

isn't it true that if you are not looking forward to anything and nothing excites you it just create a damn lazy sluggard monster in you? well, im experiencing some of this lately and it is damaging.. i missed work, it costs me a lot of money.. i find food a therapeutic way to temporarily lessen my loneliness away.. i don't like being an adult, i don't like this responsibilities, i should have a life you know? i don't like taking care of my own bills. but on the other side i surely don't want to live with my dad again. cruel as it seems but i cannot write or describe the exact feeling when we we're with him and it is so excruciating that i don't want to remember it anymore. i always look at myself as a strong, aggressive and will-driven person as if im invincible in my own perception. but today im seeing myself falling into tiny bits, impossible to restore, painful to rebuild. my confidence is degenerating, i often feel empty and got nothing to do but to stare at these laptop. *sigh* it is just so boring..