it's a tuesday..

so i'm here.. trying to write something again.. when i'm away from the computer an idea always pops out of my mind.. something sensible to write.. but when im in front of it i can't think of something.. well, im just spilling my random thoughts here.. what a lazy bum am i.. before writing this i had listened to a podbean recording in a blog of a homosexual interviewing a male stripper.. this guy is a student working as a stripper to support his studies.. he shared some of his experiences.. and some of this are humiliating.. like the that he was asked to wear a see-through underwear.. he was not prepared and was not informed beforehand.. there were also those times wherein guys asked him to have sex with them but he always refuses.. he said in that interview that he was a straight guy forced to do such job because of the big amount of money he acquires since it has a higher demand in that field..

im trying to do something productive today and hopefully write something.. just something..

conscience..

well, i've done something just recently that made me feel ashamed.. not that i want to apologize to that person.. it's because i failed.. i sincerely felt that i need to apologize to my students for myself.. for this failure.. although they were not involved iin what i did.. i really felt that as a teacher, i failed.. with this specific situation where i must have been an example of what im teaching.. this students who believe in me.. on what im saying and specially, they're looking up on me as their model.. so how can i fail them?

i won't let this happen again.. i need to have more patience, self control and has to think twice before engaging myself in anything.. and the most important of all.. how can i fail the one in whom i gave up my life with? my Master? :(

Quirino Grandstand hostage taking...

this was supposed to be easy.. according to one of the survivors Mendoza has no intention of killing them.. He stated that he was accused of something that he hasn't done..but our government won't listen to him.. as you see that was not a good scapegoat.. not only that he doesn't solve his problem but he also give his country a shame that the whole world saw.. as for the SWAT team and PNP, they we're not prepared for this kind of combat (as always) they don't even have an effective tactics.. so they said that this people can protect us from danger and antisocials.. who would believe them?! even pre-school students won't believe that joke! from time to time there are certain people who are working hard to make our Philippines a proud and better country, Filipinos artist, athletes, academians, and ordinary workers.. they are our treasures.. we're not saying these things for you military people to degrade you but to motivate you guys into improving your knowledge, skills and efforts.. we all hope that someday we will all be proud that our Armed Forces are one of the best in the world.. let us all do our jobs in making our country a better place and for a brighter future of all Filipinos..

being independent..

it requires a lot of responsibility, strength and courage..and yes i know thats a cliche.. but i didn't understand it fully not until i had experienced it.. it's never been the same.. you are on your own.. you cook for yourself, do the laundries, do the errands, clean the house and all those stuffs ALONE! and the most challenging of all is that you miss having a companion.. :(

what if you're already tired?

people always say that when you do have a problem or in pain "don't lose hope", "have faith".. but what if your already tired of doing the same thing? you always do the right thing all the time! you know what right and whats not but c'mon can't we have a break? loose ourselves? drink, party and be merry? who would argue that unwinding was that bad? i don't want to influence you here guys to be violators..what im trying to say is " WILL-THEY-JUDGE-ME-WHEN-IM-ABOUT-TO-GIVE-UP" ..does my preceding actions will not matter anymore? will they remember me for being so weak after this? are you not a human? who feels, got weary, tired and sober? what if.. i lose my patience.. what will people say? but guess what? i really don't care what they'll say.. REALLY!

wallow..

whenever im on my way home..riding a bus, putting  my earphones on, staring outside the window... i always immerse myself to my inside thoughts not far from the music that is playing from my mp3.. i always imagine scenes on how i want things to happen.. on how things would turn to if i do this and that.. it is much more easier to imagine things than to do them in an actual setting.. i always wanted to have a power that can turn my thoughts into reality.. i actually started doing this "thing" (picturing scenes on my mind) since i was in elementary.. so far, i've managed to accopmlished some of them..:))

can someone change us?

ive been struggling greatly yesterday..i thought that i don't wanna talk to anybody for REAL..it feels like i don't have any space for socialization anymore..i wanted to indulge myself in alcohol..but it doesn't make any sense..i-don't-know-what-i-want feeling..you know that feeling when you confine all of your feelings to a single person?and then unfortunately that person was not there when you need him/her? you feel like you just wanna die.. when your having a hard time on everything about your life and you don't have someone to share your thoughts and feelings it makes you go crazy.. you just wanna disappear and take no responsibility for being free..i can see nothing but myself..my own despair..for this pain that i've been enduring for the recent years of my life has been taking its toll on me.. traumas,wounds, and all.. give me a break.. maybe those people who are walking under the streetlights don't give a damn on what im saying..but maybe someday y'all understand what it feels like to be a soldier in an endless battlefield..

today..

i was extraordinarily sad today..i don't talk that much to people..i barely eat..i just had my laundry, fixed some stuffs the watched a John Cusack's movie..i don't know..everything that is happening was a bomb! literally..
you know how does it feel when you are teaching people on how to live life and then you yourself gets in a more difficult and complicated situation and then your like "damn,what am i doing?"..all these years im trying to be better..am i working in vain? i really hope that im not..having faith that this was something worthwhile..which would be worse? to LIVE as a monster? or to DIE as a good man?