Wallflower

It is evident that everyone wants to be in the limelight these days. Narcissism is inevitable, social media sites can testify to that. It seems that everyone is looking for that shining moment and a Ryan Seacrest to legitimize their fame. But these kids doesn't realize the stress that is directly proportional to this kind of thing. Is it really worth the fame?

Also, other people sees institutional position to be a gateway to power and fame. Voted by a couple of members can guarantee you a special seat with special privileges that normal people won't get. But is it worth your time?

Have you seen the movie "Perks of Being a Wallflower"? Who would even want to be a wallflower? A person whose presence is not a big deal. You walk into a room or even in your campus and people doesn't care. You miss a deadline and no one will bother. I want to be a wallflower! I want to be a wallflower for a span of time. We all have that share of fame and I'm done with mine. Or atleast for the most part of my life. And right now, right at this moment, I want to be a nobody. I just want to be a simple person who has all the time in the world for themselves. I just want to be an ordinary person.

Maybe you'll think that I'm boasting things but reality is I just want to get this off my chest because I'm sick of these things. And yes, for once I want to drop all the responsibilities because I'm tired being always the one in charge and the point person for everything. I want to be Charlie.

Break!

A lot had happened but I just want to vent out what my feelings are now. I don't know why I feel disheartened. And I'm hating the fact that perhaps my laziness is getting the best out of me. There are a lot of things that are on my shoulder now but I just want to drop them and be a ordinary person. All this fuzz is making me crazy! As of the moment, I enjoy my time alone and my personal space. Not in the gear of doing things that doesn't concern me directly. But I'm also aware that if I will drop these things it will have an effect on me in the future so I feel like I'm in a conundrum.

I'm not a big fan of sacrifices. Doing things that I'm not passionate about. All my life I'm driven by passion and I do things because of it. But yeah, sometimes things are not on your own terms. I just want to be alone with my books and a couple of good movies and tv series.

Life would be so much better without these people who expects so much from me. If things would be simple as it is. And that we are in our best state. Free of mediocrity.

Money Pooping Machine

Of course Confucius is right when he said that one of the causes why we are out of accord is about our attachment to profit. People want more money. There are some people who just can’t get enough money! And their heartlessness is unbelievably right up there in the highest ceiling of heavens. I cannot explain how disgusted I am with the Sys. How can they possibly that want of having more? More than what they have. They are filthy rich! Confucius argues that common people suffer because of this unjust burdens and greed from the richest family of this capitalist country. Maybe I can throw a Confucian brick to those greedy SMDC people who will demolish the Philam Life Theater so they can come back to their senses. It is just so sad that government doesn’t care that much for our cultural heritage. Specifically, in one of the five cures of Confucianism is the study of the classics. These guys need to appreciate classic Filipino singers and performers that this auditorium witnessed through the years that it has been serving us. 


We may even ask if they really care about our cultural heritage. Filipino's cultural heritage. That is problem in being a capitalist country. As long as you have the money there is no limit on how you can spend it even if you will open malls or condos on every square inch of this country. Yeah sure we are appealing on some of our territorial disputes which is by the way still questionable but what we don't realize that even here in the bounds of what we can legally call OUR land has been terrorized by this monstrous businessman who doesn't give a damn as long as they will earn their precious money. They are making out country a big money pooping machine and we are not realizing it yet. Screw SM!

Depression Strikes Again

As much as possible, I'm avoiding memories from my childhood. I don't wanna remember what are my favorite cartoons, favorite songs, how does our old house looks like and everything that can remind me that once in my life I have a perfect family. Back when I was a kid, me and my playmates would argue who has the best mom and dad. We would boast what are parents are doing for a living, if there company sounds good to our ears and how much money they give us when we go to school. I lived in a village where people know each other and us kids play outside and they will not be worried even till the sun sets down. I used to think that forever we will be like this. I go to school every weekdays and during Sundays we go to church.
                                
Time has passed and bliss petered away. Why is it has to happen to me? Why me? Why not someone else? Though i have answered this question long ago for it's been 6 years since we got out of that house. I stayed with my mom which later on left me. Though i may be seen as valiant there are times that i wanna cry and beg my mom to live with us again. Because of my current predicament, i can't help but to be furious about my father. God knows that i want to forgive him but this dagger that he puts in our lives keeps on dragging us down in every aspect.

I miss my mom though she always nags at me. She always wants a clean kitchen, a dry bathroom and an organize room, i miss her. It dawned to me the other day that she is getting older and I'm here far from her. It feels like a waste of time every second that I don't spend with my mother. Is this another attack of depression on me? I don't know. But i just feel like writing about this. I tell you, if you are living with your parents right now be grateful. You are lucky to have them.

What Does These Months Has For Me

Hey there. It's been a long time since i wrote something here. I know i said before that i will try to write here everyday but my schedule doesn't permits me to. There are a lot of things that i want to talk about but it seems that I already told those stories to some people so those stories hasn't been in my mind for quite some time now. But let me talk about the first thing that is in my head right now. I'm pondering on making this blog a tagalog blog. Maybe because of my dislike on Jose Rizal. But i also realize that if i'm targeting Filipino Netizens then there shouldn't be a problem writing in this language. I also realized that i should not try to get the whole wide web as my audience. I should write in the context of my country because i learned that the more specific you are the more general it'll be.

Also another realization that i had these past months that my level of sadness is directly proportional to the number of novels that i can finish. I'm struggling with something for the past months and i finished 7 novels in 3 months time. Usually i just finish 3-4 novels a year. I'm that kind of person who thinks too much so to block the thoughts that bother me i read novels. I don't know about you but it is effective for me.

There has been a lot of great opportunities for me these past months and i can't say that i'm overwhelmed. For every title that you get there is a corresponding responsibility. It may sound good that you have those titles and when your friends heard about it they are all over you saying how awesome that is. But they will never understand how much work you need to put in to maintain those "titles" that they is awesome. But still thank you Lord for all of these.

Where do I fit in?

Where can you find the place where you will fit in best? Who can say to you that you shall take this path and not the otherwise? How can this crucial choice affect everyone around you? This is a very tough question that I will try to talk about somehow. I came across this question AGAIN in my class today and though I know for a fact what I want to be in my life what bothers me is that there are some people who are still not in the same predicament as I am. I’m not trying to boast here or something but what I’m trying to say is it also affects us in an indirect way when you make a decision that will place you in a field where you don’t best fit. It is an old issue about the nursing students that are taking the course because they were forced to by their parents or lured by the “opportunity” outside the country. As one of my professors used to say “Sayang yung mga utak na pinilit magnursing. Pwede sana sila maging magaling na abogado o mambabatas sa talino nila na yan” We can establish a premise here that there are endless possibilities of what ifs with these people and how they could have helped our country in a more effective way. 

If you happened to watch the movie 3 Idiots (a 2009 Bollywood film) one of Rancho’s friend was forced by his parents to take Engineering when in fact he is a TALENTED photographer. He could have use those times that he spend in engineering school to enhance his photography skills but instead he wasted it studying something that he is not passionate about. We are all trying to find our place where we will be a functional member of the society and aiming to be effective. We should seek what we do best and pursue it. What are we passionate about and strive for it. Sometimes we are just in the wrong track doing things that are meaningless and wasting our time doing something we don’t need to do. This is exactly the problem why here in the Philippines is far from an ideal society. Though we can never have an ideal society but it doesn’t mean we stop trying to become one. Here comedians can be politicians, nursing graduates are in the call centers, political science graduates can teach sociology and other fields that a lot of wrong people are in it. 

I’m aware that we are highly influenced by the social media culture in our time today where you can see what everyone is doing with just a click. It is also by this culture that we think in such a way that we seek what we can get and what we think we deserve. It is all about us and what we are entitled to have. It made us forget that every right has a responsibility with it. We are responsible to what our country is becoming. There is no one to blame but us to what is happening in the Philippines. So what are we trying to do to contribute to our country? Are we on the field that we think we can contribute effectively? Of course some would argue that it is the practicality that they are doing the things they are doing right now. But is it really the reason or we just don’t have the guts to make a stand? I’m sure that you don’t want to see the old gray haired you telling to yourself that you live a life of practicality not making a dent on history.

Sabi Nila Pag-Ibig

Una tayong nagkita nung 2005. Hindi ko maexplain ano nararamdaman ko noon pero alam kong may kakaiba sa sayo kaya tuwing makikita kita hindi maipaliwanag na ngiti ang laging makikita sa aking mukha. Masyadong kumplikado ang mga bagay bagay noon. Nasa isang relasyon ako at hindi ko masasabing hindi ako seryoso sa sayo pero talagang hindi ko pa din maialis ang kakaibang saya pag nakikita kita. Hindi tayo nagkaroon masyado ng oras para magusap noong mga taong yun sa kadahilanan na din na pinagbabawalan ko ng taong may karapatan sa akin noon. Parang sa isang kisap mata dumaan ang ilang taon at hindi na kita masyado naiisip pero isang araw nag text ka! Pambihira para kinuryente ang puso ko at muling nabuhay ang pagkagusto ko sayo. Hindi ko mabilang ang mga gabing hinihintay kita magtext na tila ba madalang pa sa patak ng ulan tayo nagkakausap. Dumaan pa ang maraming araw at nagkita tayo! Kahit sa oras na yun akala ko nanaginip lang ako. Nagkita nga tayo. Tumambay sa mga coffee shop at bookstores. Sa mga oras na to ako pinakamasaya. Akala ko dati hindi mo ako mapapansin kasi iba priorities mo. Sa mga araw na un iniisip ko totoo nga ata ang mga sinasabi nila sa mga taong nahuhulog ang loob na tumitigil daw ang mundo. Bagamat alam ko na hindi ko hinayaan na maging ganoon kalalim ang nararamdaman ko, wala akong nagawa. Sa sobrang saya at pagkalango ko sa nararamdaman ko hinayaan ko ang sarili kong mahulog ng tuluyan at walang tinira sa sarili ko.

Ibig kong ibigay ang mundo noon para sa iyo. Nakalimutan ko ang mga bagay na nais kong gawin at abutin nung mga panahong un at wala akong ibang inisip kundi paano tayo magiging masaya. Lumalim ng lumalim ang ating samahan. Lagi tayong magkasama at halos minu-minuto tayo magkausap. Ikaw ang naging mundo ko noon at alam kung nawawala na ako sa mga pinaniniwalaan kong tama at dapat kung gawin. Ako ung tipo ng tao na iniiwasan maattach sa mga tao dahil ayoko ng nasasaktan. Walang gustong masaktan. Pero ako ayoko kahit onti. Pero dahil sayo sinubukan kong isugal ang mga bagay.

Tulad ng ibang pelikulang tagalog hindi naglaon, nag iba ka bigla. Nawala ang dating lambing, hindi ka na ganoon tulad ng dati kung minahal. Hindi ko lubos maisip na mararamdaman ko to. Leche akala ko hindi to nangyayari sa tunay na buhay! Kulang ang lahat ng depinisyon ng panglulumo sa naramdaman ko nung unti unti ka ng nalalayo sa akin. Saan ako nagkamali? Saan ako nagkulang? Na kung kailan ko sinubukan at hinayaan ang sarili ko magmahal ng buong buo ay eto ang napala ko. Binigay ko lahat ng kaya kong ibigay at hinayaan ko ang sarili kong mahulog ng tuluyan at eto ang nangyari. Basag na basag ako ng mga panahong un. Daig ko pa ang nabugbog o naHazzing at ang masaklap pa dun walang gamot sa sakit na nararamdaman ko. Wala akong magawa para maibsan ang paghihirap ko. Dahil ang tanging lunas ko ay ikaw at wala ka na. Bumalik na parang agos ng dalampasigan sa isip ko ang mga ala ala ng ating pagsasama. Sabay natin pinanood ang paglubog ng araw. Lagi tayong nagkukulitan sa telepono at walang gusto magbaba. Masaya na tayo sa panonood ng mga pelikula sa laptop ko habang kumakain ng niluto mong pagkain. Pero heto ako ngayon na ni sa hinagap hindi inakala na eto'y mangyayari.

Sinubukan kong isalba ang pag ibig natin. Ginawa ko pa din ang lahat para maging tulad tayo ng dati. Pero sa tuwing sinusubukan ko lalo lang lumalalim ang sakit na nararamdaman ko. At dito ko napatunayan na hindi na pwede ibalik. Hindi na maibabalik. Yun ay mga ala ala na lang. Ngayon hindi ko alam kung minahal mo nga ako. Pero eto ang tandaan mo. Walang isang segundo noon na hindi ka tinibok ng puso ko. Minahal kita ng higit pa sa alam mo. Pero hanggang dito nalang talaga tayo.