Break!

A lot had happened but I just want to vent out what my feelings are now. I don't know why I feel disheartened. And I'm hating the fact that perhaps my laziness is getting the best out of me. There are a lot of things that are on my shoulder now but I just want to drop them and be a ordinary person. All this fuzz is making me crazy! As of the moment, I enjoy my time alone and my personal space. Not in the gear of doing things that doesn't concern me directly. But I'm also aware that if I will drop these things it will have an effect on me in the future so I feel like I'm in a conundrum.

I'm not a big fan of sacrifices. Doing things that I'm not passionate about. All my life I'm driven by passion and I do things because of it. But yeah, sometimes things are not on your own terms. I just want to be alone with my books and a couple of good movies and tv series.

Life would be so much better without these people who expects so much from me. If things would be simple as it is. And that we are in our best state. Free of mediocrity.

Sabi Nila Pag-Ibig

Una tayong nagkita nung 2005. Hindi ko maexplain ano nararamdaman ko noon pero alam kong may kakaiba sa sayo kaya tuwing makikita kita hindi maipaliwanag na ngiti ang laging makikita sa aking mukha. Masyadong kumplikado ang mga bagay bagay noon. Nasa isang relasyon ako at hindi ko masasabing hindi ako seryoso sa sayo pero talagang hindi ko pa din maialis ang kakaibang saya pag nakikita kita. Hindi tayo nagkaroon masyado ng oras para magusap noong mga taong yun sa kadahilanan na din na pinagbabawalan ko ng taong may karapatan sa akin noon. Parang sa isang kisap mata dumaan ang ilang taon at hindi na kita masyado naiisip pero isang araw nag text ka! Pambihira para kinuryente ang puso ko at muling nabuhay ang pagkagusto ko sayo. Hindi ko mabilang ang mga gabing hinihintay kita magtext na tila ba madalang pa sa patak ng ulan tayo nagkakausap. Dumaan pa ang maraming araw at nagkita tayo! Kahit sa oras na yun akala ko nanaginip lang ako. Nagkita nga tayo. Tumambay sa mga coffee shop at bookstores. Sa mga oras na to ako pinakamasaya. Akala ko dati hindi mo ako mapapansin kasi iba priorities mo. Sa mga araw na un iniisip ko totoo nga ata ang mga sinasabi nila sa mga taong nahuhulog ang loob na tumitigil daw ang mundo. Bagamat alam ko na hindi ko hinayaan na maging ganoon kalalim ang nararamdaman ko, wala akong nagawa. Sa sobrang saya at pagkalango ko sa nararamdaman ko hinayaan ko ang sarili kong mahulog ng tuluyan at walang tinira sa sarili ko.

Ibig kong ibigay ang mundo noon para sa iyo. Nakalimutan ko ang mga bagay na nais kong gawin at abutin nung mga panahong un at wala akong ibang inisip kundi paano tayo magiging masaya. Lumalim ng lumalim ang ating samahan. Lagi tayong magkasama at halos minu-minuto tayo magkausap. Ikaw ang naging mundo ko noon at alam kung nawawala na ako sa mga pinaniniwalaan kong tama at dapat kung gawin. Ako ung tipo ng tao na iniiwasan maattach sa mga tao dahil ayoko ng nasasaktan. Walang gustong masaktan. Pero ako ayoko kahit onti. Pero dahil sayo sinubukan kong isugal ang mga bagay.

Tulad ng ibang pelikulang tagalog hindi naglaon, nag iba ka bigla. Nawala ang dating lambing, hindi ka na ganoon tulad ng dati kung minahal. Hindi ko lubos maisip na mararamdaman ko to. Leche akala ko hindi to nangyayari sa tunay na buhay! Kulang ang lahat ng depinisyon ng panglulumo sa naramdaman ko nung unti unti ka ng nalalayo sa akin. Saan ako nagkamali? Saan ako nagkulang? Na kung kailan ko sinubukan at hinayaan ang sarili ko magmahal ng buong buo ay eto ang napala ko. Binigay ko lahat ng kaya kong ibigay at hinayaan ko ang sarili kong mahulog ng tuluyan at eto ang nangyari. Basag na basag ako ng mga panahong un. Daig ko pa ang nabugbog o naHazzing at ang masaklap pa dun walang gamot sa sakit na nararamdaman ko. Wala akong magawa para maibsan ang paghihirap ko. Dahil ang tanging lunas ko ay ikaw at wala ka na. Bumalik na parang agos ng dalampasigan sa isip ko ang mga ala ala ng ating pagsasama. Sabay natin pinanood ang paglubog ng araw. Lagi tayong nagkukulitan sa telepono at walang gusto magbaba. Masaya na tayo sa panonood ng mga pelikula sa laptop ko habang kumakain ng niluto mong pagkain. Pero heto ako ngayon na ni sa hinagap hindi inakala na eto'y mangyayari.

Sinubukan kong isalba ang pag ibig natin. Ginawa ko pa din ang lahat para maging tulad tayo ng dati. Pero sa tuwing sinusubukan ko lalo lang lumalalim ang sakit na nararamdaman ko. At dito ko napatunayan na hindi na pwede ibalik. Hindi na maibabalik. Yun ay mga ala ala na lang. Ngayon hindi ko alam kung minahal mo nga ako. Pero eto ang tandaan mo. Walang isang segundo noon na hindi ka tinibok ng puso ko. Minahal kita ng higit pa sa alam mo. Pero hanggang dito nalang talaga tayo.

Courage

Courage is not the absence of fear; Courage is not becoming a slave of fear.We often think or say that someone is courageous because they have the guts, they are strong and has no fear. Are you like that? Or do you wish to be like that? I remember when i was a child i have no fear. I do things that i want to do without having second thoughts on it. When i was asked to participate on a certain competition i don't say NO. Never did I when i was in elementary. Then i went to highschool, i must say that my ego just became higher and nowhere to be found in the ground. Also because i know in myself no one can oppose me for what i believe, what i know, and what i can do. There are no one who can beat me down and my morale is that invincible.

When i move up to college and i transferred house. I was still a air-headed person. But maybe because of the circumstances that made me doubt myself? During my early years of my college life i was emotionally down and fragile. I was not prepared from the succeeding events and i have this fear of failure and destruction. I was way beyond my comfort zone and many things happened that made me weak and fearful. It was a long and tiring journey that time. I think i have signs of depression that time and no one is capable of helping me.

God knows how long it is but i recovered. I faced my demons and overcame my fear. I learn to be independent and took full responsibility of my future. There goes my fear of becoming nothing, fear that i may not be able to sustain myself for everyday living and the list goes on. But here i am now, studying my course where my passion is and trying to rebuild myself again. Whatever you might be afraid of right now, whatever is hindering you from being the best and happy, whatever it is always keep in mind to take courage and go for it! For you shall not be a slave of fear!

Democracy Is In Our Hands

Before i sleep i want to write a couple more things here. It is so random that i want to tackle about democracy at this time. As Plato once said "The problem with democracy is that decisions are made by people without knowledge". Together with this I once read in my Facebook news feed that the Philippines' politician and government leaders these days are nothing but the tip of the iceberg. These leaders got elected because this is how the Filipinos think and rationalize. Though there are some exceptions because there is also a percentage of citizens that are educated and has a sensible opinions about political issues and economic need of the Philippines. You may also say right now to me that there is a widespread anomaly in every election and results are not that credible. But let's be realistic that no matter how big the influence of a certain politician or government personality, despite of their efforts you cannot outnumber the votes of majority of the people. Maybe it can help them a notch to gain a comfortable position but still this is subject to debate.

We always want democracy, freedom as others may say, we want to be autonomous and sovereign but are we really up for it? I'm fully aware that there is no perfect government but should not dismiss the notion of improvement. We should not settle for mediocrity and be passive about these things. As democracy in its sense has a big reliance on its people and we should not neglect that. Our goal is that we should aim to educate our people and eradicate ignorance. Before poverty, debts and territory disputes we should first educate our people and awareness to this things will follow much more a better understanding of these issues.

Today, September 21, 2012 we are remembering the Martial Law that once tasted by our country and because of this people became suddenly awakened from their slumber and revolted; I honestly believe this is because they cannot afford to ignore this anymore for they are directly affected by this that time. People across the globe recognized us because of the succeeding events following the Proclamation 1081. But this doesn't last that long and the all of a sudden the patriotism died. This should not be a temporal; the passion to learn and be held responsible for our own democracy should be reminded to every Filipino every day. The efforts of some private sectors and companies in igniting the Filipino Spirit in anyway they can shall not be put in vain. If we all want to be truly free and sovereign, we should take the responsibility in our shoulders and every single Filipino should also do the same.

Transcendence..

It's always all about yourself. You perceive almost everything with your own presuppositions. "I don't like this" , "I don't feel doing this" and other more. We always want situations to favor our side, our feelings and our pride. Even myself is guilty of this. Why not? It is much more easier that way; much more convenient. But what are the odds? It seems normal if you want more likes on your Facebook status or more retweets. But this narcissism tendency closes your mind to other opinions, comments or culture and even much more about this blog that i'm writing.

One thing I've noticed is when you are in the age that you think you can handle yourself then you are also confident or shall i say more than confident that whatever you decide, conclude or think is absolute. The age where you are fleeting from your adolescence to adulthood and building your own identity and reputation. Everything is more complicated now but as you are starting to create yourself you become more sensitive, more opinionated and egoistic not like when you were a child.

Now, other people who have been to where you are right now starts giving you advice, criticize you and try to tell you what your limits are but this is not just a piece of cake. Because you start to think that you is better than them, that you can have a better way of doing things and nothing is difficult for you to achieve. I understand that side but here's what i'm trying to say here; people are from different walks of life, different orientation and different cultures so you cannot always say that you are right and they are wrong also vice versa. There is always a chance that sometimes they just not tell you the whole picture but bottomline they just wanna make you understand, they wanna help you. One thing I've learned is that even there is always this possibility that we can make a better generation let us not ignore the wisdom that we can get listening to other people especially older people. Sometimes they're wrong but often times they're not. You can always create a better you and there is no harm using some help doing it.